To be peed on or not to be peed on – II

The following is an account of what happened that Friday night when I left my friend with Mr. Tickler (as told by my friend).

1:00 pm: We (from now on my friend and Mr. Tickler) are dancing and I am having fun. Yes, I noticed he was being a little possessive. I kind of like that. It means he likes me a lot. My friend (Salome) and all her friends have left and we are the only two left on the dance floor. All of a sudden he suggests that it is really noisy in the bar so we should go to his place. Ooooooooh I like that. A guy had recently dumped me and I need to get over him. I say yes and follow him in my car to his place.

1:30 pm: He shows me around his apartment. I am really excited. I am imagining him ripping my clothes off me and looking forward to a wild night ahead of me. However he wants to watch a movie. OK. I can watch a movie. He puts the movie in his DVD player. The Lion King! He lies on the other side of the couch with his hands behind his head. We hardly talk for the next half an hour.

2.00 pm: I am really bored now. I tell him I do not want to watch this movie. He turns the TV off. Thank heavens. He has another idea though. We should play a board game! Before I could say anything out come his rocks and a board (African chess?) and he is teaching me the rules of the game at 2.00 am!!!

2.30 pm: I am trying to follow the rules and look interested. However I can hardly keep my eyes off his fingers. For a guy who is at least 6 feet tall, his fingers are extraordinarily small. All of a sudden it hits me. Small fingers mean a small you-know-what. (Don’t ask me why. Its 2:30 am, I am trying to understand some exotic chess and I am terribly horny. Of course, I can not think straight). And now I have lost interest in everything. His exotic chess. His small fingers. And, his small you-know-what. I tell him I am tired and I should go home now. He agrees. Walks me to my car. And, doesn’t even kiss me goodbye. However he does mention he would like to see me again.

3:00 pm: I am home now. Sleepless and confused. I am not too sure I want to see him again. I still think small fingers mean small you-know-what!

Halloween – A bewitching masturbating tea-bagger

I decided to dress up as Christine O’Donnell this Halloween. All I had to do was:

1. Get a witch hat.
2. Attach tea bags all over my witch hat.
3. Buy a dildo. Dildos were too expensive for a Halloween costume so I decided to buy a “dicky bottle opener” and attach two tea bags to its base. My “tool” was very handy and a big hit.

To be peed on or not to be peed on…

Last Friday was interesting in many different ways. I had been planning to hang out with some of my best guy friends after work and later with my girl friend around 9 pm. Mr. Tickler had been messaging me all week so I invited him to join us later that night “around 9″. Here is the series of events as I remember them.

8:00 pm: Mr. Tickler sends me a text (his umpteenth text/mail of the day). I “remind” him (my umpteenth reminder of the day) to meet us at the bar at 9 pm. He soon sends me another text asking what I was doing. I tell him I am hanging with some other friends at another bar.

Note: I do not invite him to join us there.

8.17 pm: Mr. Tickler turns up at the bar where I am hanging with my friends! The next 45 minutes are uncomfortable for all of us. He, as expected, doesn’t really try to start a conversation with my other two guy friends. He only wants to talk to me. If I try to talk to my friends, he interrupts and tries to keep all my attention to himself.

I start getting really annoyed.

9:00 pm: My awesome girlfriend is here.

9:15-10:00 pm: An idea hits me. My girlfriend is looking for a serious relationship. She likes men who are possessive. I look at Mr. Tickler who is sitting two people away from us and I ask him to come over to our side of the table…. right next to my girlfriend.

10:00-10.30 pm: It is working just fine. Mr. Tickler is as much into her as he was into me the first time he met me. He has already asked her out to the same Japanese restaurant where he took me (Reminder: Warn my friend later not to take her card out of her purse when they go there…. without mentioning that he took me there). AND, he has tickled her in her cute lil tummy already. I can tell she likes it.

I am a saint. An angel. I have brought two people together.

10.30 pm: I drag everyone to the dance floor. By now I don’t exist in Mr. Tickler’s life (just like nobody else did the first time he met me). We are a group of two girls, three guys and a couple, and, Mr. Tickler has already virtually

peed all around my girlfriend. No one else can dance with her. Not even me! I think of passing the rubber chest waders Dennis Hong had recommended to my girlfriend. However, she doesn’t seem to mind it so I change my mind and decide to keep it in my purse.

11:00 pm: One of my guy friends, just by chance, ends up dancing next to my girlfriend. She is a great dancer. Everyone wants to dance with her. Mr. Tickler who, just by chance, has ended up on the other side of the group dashes to insert himself between her and my friend. (Reminder: I have to mention this to her. If she likes it, that’s just fine. But I need her to know what she is getting herself into. After all, I do not want to lose my awesome girlfriend. I already don’t have many).

11.30 pm: I am off. I am sick and I need to go home. Mr. Tickler and my friend are dancing really close now. (Reminder: I have to ask my friend what happened later that night next Friday when we are driving to Chicago).

I wonder if he had peed all over her by now…..

Dating Faux Pas

We all make mistakes. Yes, I know that. We are all victims of cultural misunderstandings. Yes, I know that as well. But this one particular guy just keeps on making one mistake after another.  I met him 3 months ago at a birthday party. He showed an immediate and keen interest in me. I didn’t mind the attention. He kept asking me out and I went out with him a couple of times. He isn’t bad looking and is actually kind of sweet. But I don’t want to go out with him again. Here is why:

I.  So after the birthday party, he kept messaging me to go out with him. I finally agreed. He wanted to take me to his favorite sushi place in the town. Since I had never been there before, I was quite excited. He picked me up 20 minutes too late. No problem. I didn’t mind that too much. We went to the restaurant and it was quite fancy. I was impressed. Food was pretty awesome. Service was great. I didn’t really have much in common with the guy but it was OK. I never believed that I have to have a lot in common with the guy to like him. Finally the waiter brought our bill. And, then it all went wrong. He showed me the bill. I passed him my credit card. He took it quietly and we split.

TIPS:

1. If you are a guy AND this is your first date  AND you pick the place for a date, be nice enough to pay.

2.   If you are a guy AND this is your first date AND you pick the place for a date AND you expect the girl to split, DON’T pick a very expensive place.

3. If you are a guy AND this is your first date AND you pick the place for a date AND you expect the girl to split AND you don’t want her to know that, insist AT LEAST ONCE that you will pay before you let her split.

II. But I ignored it. I had to be really cheap the next two weeks to make up for all that money I spent on sushi with a guy who wasn’t particularly exciting. Yet, I ignored it. I decided to be my sweet self and invited him to my birthday party at a bar because he kept asking me to invite him. Big mistake. There I am sitting in a bar all drunk and excited after 5+ shots of all kinds of liquor and 3+ beers (and I weigh only 100 lbs) and he decides to tickle me. I have some 10+ friends from school and lab and he decides to tickle me. I have heard many young girls like to be tickled. This guy is 4 years younger than me so I am probably his first older woman and he doesn’t know me too well. I definitely respond better to verbal flirtation than tickling! But he doesn’t know that so no problem. I tell him politely that hey I don’t really like to be tickled especially in public. But no he thinks its really funny. He keeps on tickling me! Finally one of my guy friends, who I was seeing for a while earlier this year but who is just a friend now, gets up and calls this “tickler” an asshole. I heard later that things got pretty ugly afterwards! (I am sure you don’t expect me to remember what I drank and saw that night).

TIP:

If you are a guy AND the woman you are interested in tells you politely but with a serious face that something you are doing in front of her friends is making her uncomfortable, STOP right there and then.

3. I just realized yesterday that the “tickler” paid for my drinks/meal at the birthday party where I met him. He paid my bill at my birthday party and insisted on doing so even when my friends wanted to pay for the shots they bought. Yet, he didn’t want to pay when it was just the two of us.

TIP FOR WOMEN:

This guy is TERRITORIAL! He wants others to know that “he is interested in this girl so don’t even think about her”. He will be ultra possessive, jealous and might get obsessive. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. I have been there quite a few times and it is no fun.

However, the “tickler” is back. He has been asking me for a while if I want to hang with him again. I have been telling him that I am really busy (and, I am not lying). But I gave in and told him he can hang with me and my girl friend this Friday. I have other things lined up for tomorrow night if he decides to:

1. stay boring and/or

2. become a “tickler” knowing that I am not a stickler for a tickler and/or

3. doesn’t pay for my drinks.

His fate is in his own hands now.

Between the Midwest and the East Coast

I have been busy. I had a deadline to submit a manuscript. I had to go to the East Coast to see my best friend. I had to find a new roommate. I was so busy that I had to cancel a date twice. And, I had my first one-night stand. Yes, my first in 30 years. So far it seems like it will be something more than just a one-night stand but I won’t talk about it. He prefers that I don’t talk about it on my blog.

So I went on my first date with the speed dating Mediterranean guy. He talked a bit too much about what he did and wanted to know a bit too much about what I did. I was relieved that I had to go watch the UFC fights (Velasquez versus Lesnar) later that night so I won’t have to stick around for too long. But then he changed the topic and our date definitely became more interesting. I ended up staying longer than I would have planned. The whole experience was “decent”.

He sent me at least 5 messages the next day that he wanted to see me again. I, surprisingly, gave him a good response. And then he made a mistake. He said perhaps I could get him hooked on UFC!!! This guy wants to go everywhere I go.

So I am taking a step back and rethinking. Here is this guy who is handsome and smart, has a nice job, who is looking for a serious relationship and apparently likes me so far. BUT I don’t want all that. Just thinking about settling down in a predictable boring life gives me a panic attack. But how long can I go on jumping from one man to another, refusing to commit? I am not 25 any more.

So again, I have been busy. Busy between a lets-take-it-really-slow Midwest guy I met on the East Coast, a lets-just-do-it East Coast guy I met in the Midwest and a lets-do-everything-together foreigner I met on a speed date. I think I just need a break from all these men…… but I can’t live without them.

My first speed dating experience

I did it. And, it wasn’t that bad.

It wasn’t my idea though. My best friend (who happens to be a straight European guy) wanted to go to this event. And, please don’t ask me why I don’t date him. Anyways, I agreed to go with him because I knew he won’t go alone. Surprisingly, I was as excited about it as he was  and probably even more nervous.

We get there and i liked the bar. However, when I saw my potential dates, I rejected 4 out of 7 before they even got a chance to talk to me. That’s when I decided to get buzzed on a chocolate martini to be able to make it through the next 30 minutes.

Date 1: Handsome  Mediterranean guy, well educated, and kinda boring! I decided to give him a chance just for his looks and education.

Date 2: Extremely nervous. The only thing he had to say to every joke I made was “no comments” and he thought that was funny! I was too buzzed by now to take it seriously any more and just decided to mess with the rest of ‘em and see if they can handle it. . The last thing I said to him was “Good luck, Paul”. Soon after I said that I saw his badge. His name wasn’t Paul. Ouch!

Date 3: Too big for me. Mentioned Deepak Chopra was his favorite author. Surprisingly, he couldn’t remember the title of any of his books. He also mentioned going to the church. I think he was on a how-to-make-10-women-reject-me-in-one-night expedition than speed dating.

Date 4: A writer. So inconspicuous that I hardly remember anything at all about him.

Date 5: A freak!!! Kept staring at me without looking away even once. I kept looking at his hands to make sure they were not under the table!

Date 6.  A dreamer. Asked me if I am religious and when I said I am not, he was horribly shocked. He also thought I could be a queen. Whatever that means.

Date 7. Cute, decent, well-educated. Dammit, why does he have to be my best friend!

That was the end of my first 7 speed dates. Did I enjoy it? Not sure. Will I do it again? Probably yes. I actually ended up meeting some really nice girls and we decided to do it together the next time.

Its been a day now and I haven’t heard anything yet. It’s killing me!

Bitchiness works!

I took Dennis Hong’s advice and was really bitchy to Mr. Loonynuts. He is gone. He hasn’t tried to text or call me. It actually works. He hasn’t even put up any sad status on his facebook to emotionally blackmail me. It is a whole new experience (i.e., being bitchy) and I am loving it. Thanks, Dennis.

On the other hand, Mr. Oldielocks is not 15 but actually 17 years older than me. He still hasn’t told me yet. I just tricked him into taking me to a Chinese restaurant last time he asked me out and asked what his Chinese animal sign was. Poor old guy pointed out to the rabbit and there it was either 1963 or 1975. After that, it was just a matter of prediction by omission. But it is not the age that is keeping me from seeing him again. It is the way he laughs. Can’t stand it! On top of that he kept asking me to go dance with him. I told him I was really tired, made him drop me back home, took the back door out, got a cab and spent the rest of the night with my friends drinking and dancing.

Why do I only attract not-so-normal men?

Mr. Oldielocks, it’s complicated!

My fling with Mr. Oldielocks is getting complicated. Not because I’m falling in love. That is highly unlikely. I have known him only for a month and he is already acting like we have been dating for two years.

Last night he asked me if I wanted to go “booty shaking” with him. I almost said yes. I am glad I took my time to think over it because, soon after he asked me, I was introduced to his whole family! And, apparently everyone already knew more about me than they should have known. Awkward!

I will be coming across him again tonight at a friend’s party. Feeling nervous. I had to stop myself from wearing my new red heels and now here I am sitting in my room sulking in my boring flats waiting for my friend to pick me up.

He should realize he will make a perfect sugar daddy and I will be a pathetic wife. We should give each other our very best and that’s it. My friend is here. Laters.

From real life to online dating

I have never used an online dating site. The idea frightens me. What if I end up every time with a pervert nobody is interested in dating in real life?  But I am getting tired of dating men I know from real life as well. It is so hard to get rid of them when you are not interested in them. They know the same people you know. They know where you hang. They become stalkers!

Kat’s posts are convincing me that I should consider some online dating site. It is so much easier to not respond to some stranger you met on match.com or eharmony.com and move on to your next date. So confused.

Yes, stalker. I love you too!

I started seeing Mr. Loonynuts while I was going through my divorce. Wrong. I started sleeping with Mr. Loonynuts while I was going through my divorce. He got too serious. I wasn’t ready. He was always around. I panicked. So I stopped sleeping with him after five months.

This was seven months ago and nothing has changed much. He is still too serious. I’m so not interested. He still tries to be always around. And now I’m freaking out.

Mr. Oldielocks has texted me at least 5 times, called me once, tried to hang with me again and sent me a Facebook message within two days of the last time we hung out. I have already started to ignore his calls and messages.

Do men think we will like them better if they start stalking us? Or am I doing something wrong?